there is a literal pile of shit outside my room ~ Victoria

Literal in the not-really-literal-but-might-as-well-be-literal sense. Pile Of Shit  is a huge stack of papers, notes, study guides, textbooks as tall as a bit more than half of my height (I’m 168cm). Pile Of Shit is also the reason for this annoying feeling of anxiety at the back of my mind even though IB ended 9 days ago. God dammit I really shouldn’t have anxiety AFTER IB.

Ok but IB ENDED 9 DAYS AGO. Yes so by smart people reasoning I should’ve cleared up and cleaned up and burned Pile Of Shit. Except I haven’t and it is still outside my room. I can’t though I really can’t. Thinking about sifting through those papers and separating it into Pile To Keep, Pile To Sell and Pile To Burn makes me so scared. Like I keep thinking that what if I started clearing it up and then I see a set of notes I forgot to review before the exams and the self hatred starts building up because I’m thinking “If I had studied this set of notes maybe I could’ve done better and not have anxiety with Pile Of Shit”. And then I’m looking through more and more of Pile Of Shit and my self-hatred builds up and the worst worst worst case scenario of my future plays in 4000p HIGH DEFINITION HIGH QUALITY HIGH SCHOOL FAILURE. A part of me literally wants to wait until after July 6 when results come out THEN start happily and carefree-ly disintegrating Pile Of Shit.

I seriously genuinely honestly for real wanted to feel amazing after the IB exams. But I don’t because I feel like I seriously messed up some of the papers. The two weeks were a blur; I had never felt more miserable and stressed in my entire life. It was horrible especially because paper after paper after paper AFTER PAPER not ONE of them I felt like I did extremely well. I have an insurance university choice that I’m more than happy with (actually I love the uni and the place) but at the same time I would hate myself so much if I missed my firm offer. I’m dreading July 6 so much. You know when you get gut feelings of doing badly and you seriously believe that it’s going to happen – ME RIGHT NOW. I have gut feelings of doing badly that comes in waves. Whenever it happens I can see myself logging into the whatever website and seeing a low score (not super low, because gut feelings are realistic, but low enough to miss my offer) and feeling that drooping sense of disappointment as if a hole had opened up in my stomach.

So I’m not kidding when I said there is a literal pile of shit outside my room. I refuse to touch or look at it. It gives me anxiety and if it were a living thing I would want it to die in the most painful way possible.

By the way I am Victoria (ew), 1/2 of Valevictorians. Don’t know if Val is going to explain the name but ok screw it who cares. Valedictorian <-> Valevictorians. Thanks we’re geniuses we know. We had visions of us delivering the graduation speech on stage once. Not gonna happen though which is sad. I’m hoping to meet my offer and go to the UK to study English. Val’s going to some other part of the world to do some other thing that she will eventually reveal. I’m sad.

Victoria

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