two weeks; heartache ~ Victoria

The amount of time it took for me to get on a roller coaster, go straight up at breakneck speed, then vertically straight down…and finally crashed. All metaphorical of course but it accurately and sufficiently summarises how I’ve been feeling.

Maybe sometime soon Val (who is actually the best procrastinator in the world) will post about our grad trip to Phuket – the entire trip was such a high. Going to beaches, boat trips, zip-lining, swimming, white-water rafting, late night truth sessions and more with a group of people I now consider family was amazing. I loved every second of it and I seriously really want to go back.

Unfortunately, one of the main reasons the entire trip was such a high was because I associated a lot of my happiness with a single person. I was going to add ‘stargazing’ to the list of stuff we did up there but it’s something that makes me feel awfully bittersweet when I look back on it. This one person I’ve known for 14 years, never talked, and when we did on that trip, it was amazing for 14 days before it became what it is now: absolute silence.

I would never expect myself to put anything like this on a public blog knowing full well that people both Val and I know would read it, but I feel like this is something I’ve gained a lot from, and it’s something that I wanted to share with whoever’s reading. The person in question might be reading this too so, hi, are you fine, because I’m actually not, but I’m going to deal with it, and while you might regret everything… I don’t.

To develop something for someone so quickly and to have experienced so many things with that person in such a short span of time was simultaneously the best and worst thing, a curse and a blessing. I’m ridden with hurt and anger; it interchanges at different times of the day. I’m constantly asking myself – and, angrily, asking him in my head – why did it have to happen? If you weren’t sure of how you were feeling why did you lead me on, why did you do so many things for me (just to throw it right back at me in my face), why were we so happy when we went out, why did I feel so euphoric… and more importantly why did I fall so recklessly and so quickly?

I loved the feeling of being with him, loved the things that we did. But then it hit me today that I’m probably only so sad and so hurt because I missed the happiness and carefree euphoria, rather than a person. Despite knowing this person for 14 years, I didn’t really know him. And it’s hard for me to say that I miss him because now if I think about it clearly, I don’t. I miss the things that we did, not him. Ending it is quick, but the series of flashbacks that follows is where the pain and heartache actually comes from. Coming to terms with this simple fact has changed the way I’ve dealt with this. Initially I found myself pathetically escaping to storerooms or toilets to cry a bit and let it out because it hurts a lot when you realise the person you gave your all to had someone else in mind all along, and “100% commitment” meant nothing to him. It hurt, because there was a point in time that he was interested in me. It hurt, because he isn’t as sad or hurting as much as I am.

And then this: “don’t cry over anyone who won’t cry over you”. Why should I be caring about you when you can barely think about me? This is where the ‘anger’ bit started. I cared so much that I’ve started associating Graduation and Prom with him – how shit I felt the entire night. I told myself I wouldn’t be that pitiful person who begged on her knees asking for him back; I wouldn’t be that person that drank or ate her feelings, drunk dialled or drunk text; I wouldn’t be that person who wrote paragraphs upon paragraphs on WhatsApp, holding onto that ounce of hope that he’d come back to me. I sought refuge in writing and talking to people. I’ve written so much these past few days and it’s so therapeutic. But it definitely dawned on me that that sadness stemmed from that yearning for him, holding onto that little strand of hope that he might get over this other girl and come back to me. Although… why should my happiness and emotional state be dictated by a ‘what if’ or a ‘maybe’ on his part? Cue the start of Vic’s determination to get over guy.

I told myself that I will not get mad at him. I’m not going to speak of him as a bad person because he isn’t; he’s just stupid and immature and uncertain of how he’s feeling. I know that I deserve better and I can do better than him. I will not reduce myself to a hysterical wreck because I deserve to be happy. All of this is how I’ve been coping and I’d say that I’ve been doing quite well heh.

More than anything the reason I don’t regret any of it is because it’s through all this that I became so grateful and aware of the beautiful, supportive, genuine, caring people around me. Val knew how upset I was and she came to see me every day at work either for lunch or dinner. She’d listen to me rant about how I was feeling and text me asking me if I was doing ok. The other day I tweeted about wanting a box of pineapple tarts, and Val came with two of our other guy friends (actually one’s her boyfriend), and passed it to me omg I couldn’t stop laughing. The day before she came again and surprised me with a spherical minion and a punching bag thing to cheer me up. Ok but my point is, I’m so thankful for the people around me who genuinely care. I’ve said this to Val already but it easily outweighs what I had with said guy. To know that there will be people who are willing to listen and actually be there for me is better than anything he could’ve ever promised or given me. Realising that is what’s actually getting me through this. I might’ve lost one person, but I’ve gained so so many more.

To future Vic: guard your heart. In the moment it might feel right to go with the flow and be reckless, but the repercussions are going to bite you in the ass, hard. Don’t regret what happened because god DAMN they were seriously honestly such good memories. Don’t deal with breakups (oops I don’t think he ever regarded us as being together) with hate, be the bigger person and smile through it. Know your worth, Vic.

And that is all. Sorry this was so long and sappy.

Victoria

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