leftovers ~ Victoria

I don’t know why I suddenly got a sudden burst of inspiration to blog and write about stuff and I didn’t know what to name this but ‘leftovers’ seem like a good word to encapsulate everything that I’m feeling right now.

From the most recent: I just had a dream. Dreams are super personal to me and they’re ofter very realistic (with real people that I know personally) and the events that happen are never ‘supernatural’. I won’t say what the dream was but the things that happened in it has had a pretty solid impression on me and I can’t seem to forget it.

You know when you’re dreaming and you dream something really good and vivid – so good and vivid that it evokes real feelings and emotions within the dream. When you’re sad in the dream it feels like how you’d be sad in real life, when you’re in love and smitten in a dream it feels like how you’d be in love in real life. And don’t quote me on this, obviously the feelings we have are amplified and are illusions; that’s the beauty of dreams anyway, you unconsciously make yourself feel the emotion in a way that you know is the strongest and most impactful for you, does that make sense? So like, in the dream if you feel sad, it’s because of something that happened in it, but technically you’re unconsciously conjuring a reason to make yourself feel that level of sadness that you want to feel! Mindblown! (In actual fact, no one reading this understands what I’m saying).

Ok so with all of that preamble done, I had a dream that made me feel all the different emotions so strongly, in the right way, with the right balance that I woke up with leftover feelings. I’ve been trying for hours now to figure out exactly what happened in the dream to make me feel like that but I can’t remember details at all. It’s just a huge wave of frustration and desperation right now to dig deep into my brain and recall.

An abrupt change and a completely irrelevant note, I’m leaving for Uni in 2 weeks (2 weeks!!!) and I’m so scared but excited at the same time. Mostly nervous actually. I don’t know how I’ll feel living by myself, how I’ll be able to cope having to cook on certain days, how I’ll handle the amount of reading dear god… maybe the leap between IB and Uni is insane and I’d forget how to English and write essays. Maybe I’ll retreat to drinking because apparently that’s all you can ever do in the small city of Durham. Maybe I’ll suddenly take up a sport a weird one like idk swimming. It’s just a whole load of maybes and uncertainties but also possibilities and it’s overwhelming. I’m actually starting to pack now, taking out clothes and bits and figuring out what to buy. There’s an immense pressure that I’ve put on myself to do well because of how shit I did during IB and wanting to take this and treasure this as a second chance, achieve the grades that I want to and perform to the best of my ability. I’m determined and yet so terrified like what if I don’t make any friends what if I can’t seem to meld well with the college what if I can’t find my niche. These two leftover weeks are making me so anxious… Uni is actually coming and it’s so surreal I’ll be in a cold (COLD) part of England and it’ll snow and it’ll be rainy and it’ll be dark at 2pm in the day or something and I’ll have to adjust and culture shock and homesickness and I’ll know no one there etc.

Feeeeeeelings. So many feelings.

You’ve come to the end of this stupid post I just wanted to word vomit for a bit this is 100% authentic Victoria.

 

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