i’m writing this as i make my way to causeway bay for tea and i decided since it’s not like i do anything on transport anyways might as well blog
sorry btw that i’m completely awful at keeping up with the schedule and we failed at blogmas sadface
i guess my first post of 2017 should be one recapping on the last year and there’s no other word that can describe it other than “intense”
the first half of the year was me stepping on everyone’s toes and purposely digging up things just to create conflict because i thought i had some sort of self righteous duty to be the one to ‘set things right’ and give people what they deserve. in retrospect this was very dumb and arrogant and stuck up of me and i’m quite embarrassed of the way i acted towards anyone (everyone) in that first half of the year; i had no right to stick my nose in other people’s business and create conflict for them.
the first half was also me constantly being in a not too happy not too sad state and i think that’s the worst part which is when you never seem to have anything to look forward to and you’re in that inbetween stage and i found myself just going through the days like that (i’m sure anyone in ib would empathise with me). it’s just the whole routine of going to school seeing the same people dreading the same lessons dreading the same assignments and never really looking forward to anything. one thing i have to be so grateful for though is that if it weren’t for this so-called ‘plateau’ in my emotional state or whatever val and i would never have gotten as close as we are now. often times we’d make our own entertainment with spontaneous starbucks sessions or just taking naps together in the lounge and because we had so much time together to do nothing we talked and got so much closer and that was the good thing.
really, looking back, that last half of ib i was in quite a shit state. there was a temporary high during mocks when i did decently and thought i would be alright for the actual exams, but other than that i’d sleep too late, get to school too tired, then immediately took a nap the second i got home, only to wake up at 11pm having skipped dinner and rushed (in a panic) to finish any work i needed to get done. i think this was everyone but psychologically and emotionally i was always on edge, i never felt “good” about anything and i found myself at a lowest point so many times just either randomly flaring up at my family or just breaking down in my room. right at the end during the final exams a huge part of me gave up, and i knew i was giving up because when my parents asked me if i was studying i’d get so defensive and try to convince them and mostly myself that i was working really hard and putting my all into it and doing a lot of papers. in truth i was at the end of my tether and i really didn’t want to do it anymore. i came out of every exam feeling horrible and didn’t think i’d do well at all.
what followed that lowest point was one of my best memories of 2016- our grad trip. it saddens me and makes my heart all clenchy when i think about how we’ll never have that again- it’ll never be the same atmosphere and same highs. everyone has changed so much (most of us for the better) and it’ll no longer have the same dynamic if we were to go on another trip. we were all playing on the high of having finished ib and it was that europhoria and common goal of wanting to let loose and enjoy ourselves that made the trip so good. val and i still constantly reminisce about it, the ziplining, the family room sessions, the midnight swims, island hopping, going to different beaches etc.
i’ve written about this already but phuket was also the best time because i fell so hard and so recklessly for a guy that i barely knew. i convinced myself that i liked him when really i only liked the way i felt with him. i was so impulsive and i put my heart on the line by agreeing with and trusting in him. it was weird being with a guy that was willing to make the first move no matter how fleeting the whole thing was.. the novelty captivated me and i wanted to keep it because i knew nothing better. (i do now, ill get to it soon)
when things ended right in between grad and prom i kind of spiralled into yet another low. it didn’t help that i had a 9-5 job at lane crawford that required me to be all happy and stuff with customers, also didn’t help that val and andrew would come up all happy and holding hands while i was trying my best not to just lock myself in a stock room and wallow in self pity. god i was so pitiful. it was a really difficult month, especially cuz it was my first 9-5 job and wasn’t one that i particularly loved or anything. on good days i got to do things that didn’t require me to interact with anyone, on bad days i was made to do things that wasn’t even part of my job description and things i was never taught to do and after get scolded for not knowing how to do the thing that i was never taught. then i learnt from talking to other people that this is what most people endure in their jobs and i dread being a working adult now.
that month ended and thankfully so did that persistent pain in my chest. it ended on a high – i attended my first ever got7 concert and you’re gonna be like wow lame but it made me unbelievably happy. seeing them irl was SO COOL and they look like doLLS and they sang so well and the atmosphere was so great. there’s something about being obsessed with something that makes you feel like you have something to depend on no matter what you’re feeling it’s that constant that you know will always be there to make you laugh or calm you down a bit and call me cheesy but i’m SO glad i have them to fall back on at times.
hm what else. oh i also went on a trip to shangrila in china that (where tiger leaping gorge and the largest tibetan monastery is) and it was literally and figuratively breathtaking because of the high altitude and the mOUNTAINS. one of my favourite trips tbh.
then val left and everyone started leaving (that was recorded in another post on this blog), i felt super anxious about uni and then uni happened and everything changed and everything about me was tested. my values, my determination, self motivation, personal boundaries, independence etc. uni was a big “do EVERYTHING and push yourself out of your comfort zone”. i wouldn’t say i reinvented myself but i’ve definitely changed. in high school i was stuck in the mindset of “don’t have too much fun you might do something wrong”. and while i do maintain that i should be cautious and avoid making mistakes, i’ve realised that they need to be made and experienced in order to learn and grow and all that
so even though my 2016 wasn’t really a year of ‘realising stuff’ it was a year that taught me a lot and i’m happy with who i’m becoming (though this could still change drastically throughout the year).
ahh i don’t know about resolutions but in 2017 i want to focus on improving myself, idk physically (like health wise) and as a person i guess. i want to be a good person and to stay true to myself and hold firm in my values. but i also want to keep putting myself out there so i guess 2017 might be a year of finding that balance. obviously i’d want to be more organised but i don’t know how that’s going to work especially when i have god knows how many books to read before next week…
this was a huge mess but it’s really personal and i guess it makes up for the posts i’ve been missing. oops