so this is supposed to be a blog where i write about my feelings and the things that happen in my life right and it is really public and a lot of people read this but i figured why not. i really want to record how i’m feeling at this moment and the stuff that happened last night.
‘assault’ is quite a serious word to use and i don’t think it was assault. i don’t really know what it was – i wasn’t sexually abused/raped, i wasn’t forced into doing something (at least he didn’t succeed) but the feeling that came with what happened felt so terrifying. it was a type of fear i’ve never experienced before. just feeling so unsafe, powerless and scared because of what a person of the opposite gender can do simply because he’s biologically bigger, taller and stronger than me (a girl).
brief backstory: theres a guy that i’ve been having a thing with – i.e. random sleepovers, went on one date, snapchat a lot – it was never anything serious becuase i didn’t see it as one and he explicitly stated at the start he wasn’t serious. so i was ok. spent christmas trying to forget and succeeded in doing so. val (and everyone else) warned me that there was something fishy about him and how he was being really manipulative. instances like using a friend/relative’s death just so i can pity him and let him stay. or him pressuring me into doing things that i would otherwise never do (it never got far, i’m quite proud to say). or when i tell him to stop and he wouldn’t. it was alright before because i thought i had it under control, and ngl i did enjoy his company and being with him. but the signs were there, and everyone was warning me of how manipulative he is. and that sooner or later he’ll push me to a point where i wouldn’t feel comfortable, specifically into having sex with him when i know i will and should never do. but i convinced val and myself that i knew that he was manipulative, but it hasn’t gotten to that point yet and i seem to be able to control him (i did).
coming back from christmas break, i was completely over him, didn’t bother thinking about him. but then i knew the tables had turned when he texted me first and told me he missed me and wanted to see me. i wanted to convince myself that maybe a part of me did still like him and wouldn’t mind seeing him either. but there was that really uncomfortable part in my chest that kinda nudged me and was like ‘you don’t actually like him though, you can’t put yourself through this if you don’t actually like him’. and i don’t know what it was. maybe i wasn’t willing to let go the novelty of a guy liking me, maybe i was just desperate for human attraction. whatever it was i kept pushing myself and telling myself that i liked him and wouldn’t mind it. i conjured an image in my mind of like us possibly dating, him possible learning to respect my values and i held onto to those small possibilities just so i can endure whatever it was we had. i don’t know why i did this to myself. i clung onto the things that were conventionally romantic and cute: holding hands, an invitation to watch anime together, cuddling, eating pizza together. but it didn’t matter that it seemed so romantically perfect… i realised friday night (after i left him) that i felt empty despite thinking that all of ti was so cute and sweet and he was saying really romantic things. i didn’t feel a THING for him. the fuck, i had to tell myself i liked him. i knew something was off already and i wanted it all to stop, or just for us to be friends.
last night while i was facetiming val as per usual, he texts me and asks to come over. it’s 1am so i knew this was a drunk text/booty call. i told him i didn’t want him to come over because i’m sleepy, i’m talking to my best friend and i kind of was not in the mood. he said that he really wanted to see me and he likes me a lot and would go get pizza and come over. i said, please don’t come over, i’ve already eaten, please respect me. he then tells me no i’m coming over now i got pizza we can watch your name (an anime) together. val knows i was kinda a bit scared right now cuz i was talking to him on the phone i probably looked so panicked. so he calls me, tells me he’s right outside my door. i keep telling him to just walk back to his college (it’s 10 minutes away) and leave me alone. he goes like ‘no NO you’re NOT listening to me just LET ME in i’m serious i will ACTUALLY die outside it’s so cold please let me in’. and at this point i’m so torn between just ignoring him or letting him in because it is -1 degrees outside.
so i go down, i let him in and i don’t let him into my flat obviously. i make him stay on the steps. and he starts telling me how much he likes me and how he can’t stop thikng about me and i can tell he’s drunk. i decide yeah no better time to tell him that i don’t like him and i do. i tell him that i can’t like him because he doesn’t respect my values and doesn’t respect me by coming here. and he keeps going like no i don’t care i really like you. i LOVE you he actually goes to talk about LOVING me. the more time i spend with him the more erratic he gets and the more he talks about iking me the more terrified i get.i don’t know how to wave him off, i keep telling him to leave and please leave me alone. and then he starts to try to touch me and kiss me and put his arm around me and all of this i shrug off. i just didn’t want to be anywhere near him. it scared me because i told him beforehand that i didn’t want to do anything with him and i explicitly tell him to not touch me and he continues to try. i realise how heavy he is and how tall he is and increasingly i feel more powerless and my heart is beating so fast. i’m panicking at this point and i really just wnat him to leave. it’s almost 2am and i didn’t know who to call i didn’t want anyone to see. i just felt so helpless.
in the end i open the door and i physically drag him out. he complains about the cold and how he can’t go out and he’ll just have to sleep in my room. i hated all of this it felt so horrible to hear him say that with such certainty like no matter what he was going to have his way. and there’s nothing more terrifying when a male human being is not listening to you or taking what you say into account. when all he wants is to have his way with me and he’s going to get what he wants. i’m in nothing but a hoodie, sweatpants and flip flops and it’s -1 outside and my toes are getting increasingly numb and all he can talk about is how much he wants to hold me and kiss me and touch me and how much he loves me and i’m so close to tears at this point. i find a mutual friend on facebook and text her to meet me at the student union to see him home. and when i’m there he leaves and i leave.
i’m running all the way back to my dorms, my toes are absolutely completely numb to the point that running is painful and i’ve never felt so disgusted and disappointed and terrified. it was a type of fear that traumatised me.i got to my room, i’m trying to keep it all in but i can’t so i start crying my eyes out to val (who stayed on the call for so long). i didn’t know what to do it was such a helpless vulnerable feeling. i felt like if i were any other girl he would have gotten his way and coerced me into bringing him into his room. but i physically dragged him out, maintained my ground and told him in brutally honest way that i don’t like him and can’t ever like him because he has no respect for me and the things i believe in.
honestly… boys suck. if a girl (or anyone) tells you no, just don’t do it. don’t think that she’s saying that to be teasing or cute or to play that ‘tsundere’ role (search it up). no means no, and understand that when you do ignore her ‘no’ it makes you so much more unattractive and most importantly it makes her feel unsafe and powerless. respect what someone wants and don’t impose what you think on her just so you can get your way.