you know how everyone glorifies the experience of falling for someone? they talk about the heart flutters, the stomach knots, the flowers blossoming in their veins and spreading to every corner of their bodies. i used to read romance novels and i remember daydreaming about meeting that person who could make me feel like how the books described. i don’t think i ever really thought about how terrifying falling for someone could be. i am a person who craves control; i put up walls around my heart because i hate the idea that someone other than me could ever control the way i feel. but i look at him and the crease-line on his cheek when he smiles and i think about how lucky i am, and then i think i am so fucked as the walls come crashing down and i continue tumbling down this hole praying to a God i don’t believe in that what’s waiting for me at the bottom is a canopy of cotton and not a bed of thorns. i have never felt as powerless as i am feeling right in this moment and i just wish those novels that i read when i was 12 had warned me.