idk ~ Victoria

I felt the need to write something so I shall – also Val has been pestering me to blog because it’s my turn anyways.

I don’t know what to write about lol. I just had my mock driving test today – which I failed, obviously, but I genuinely think I have a pretty good chance at passing on the actual one. Spent a lot of time with my sister and made her popcorn and watched Running Man because IB is fucking stressful and I know if I were in her position I’d want to come home to popcorn and 1.5 hours of a korean variety show.

I’ve been trying to revise and it’s been going slowly and I’m just enjoying it a lot more than I ever did IB. Lit was 1/6 of all the subjects back then and I just hated studying for the other 5. Now all 5 of my exams are lit and it’s great and I love sitting down for hours (when I do get the motivation) to analyse and consolidate literary critics. But that’s only when I’ve found my motivation which is rare obviously.

What else… I miss Val a lot. I miss having friends close by and being able to randomly walk into the kitchen and have a conversation or text Celeste if she wants to go for a late night Dunelm run or go to Rachel’s room and talk about really deep stuff that none of us know the answers to or just casual spontaneous nights out. My easter break (6 whole weeks) consists of a lot of driving lessons and me trying to revise but being too occupied with other things.

Yeah OTHER THINGS. I’m still talking to the guy I have a crush on and it’s been nice. But how do you hold off for 6 weeks without seeing each other face to face when you’ve only met each other 3 times in person in the last week of term. LIKE. There’s only so much you can talk on text to a person you’ve just met, and it’s exhausting when you’re trying to find things to talk about. And maybe it’s ok to just not talk. But then there’s that fear of it just fading away and then you never talk again. And Val always tells me to not put too much stock into what he says over text because you can never fully gauge exactly what he’s implying or what he means.

She also keeps telling me to stop putting him on a pedestal and I know. I’ve gotten a lot better at it though so like if I’ve stupidly sent a text that I feel super cringe about I won’t mull over it for ages and feel stupid, or if he hasn’t replied for hours I won’t feel upset about it because truthfully no guy should have such a big hold on my emotional state. My mood can’t be dictated by whether he’s replied or not, or whether we’ve had a good conversation. So I’ve gotten a lot better at that. I’ve stopped thinking he’s a whole lot better than me and just treated him as a person that I want to get to know more. And I’ve started to try and condition myself to realise that he isn’t the only guy in the world and he isn’t the best guy I will ever meet. He’s a guy, who is interesting, and who is someone I want to get to know more. That is it. I won’t let how I feel depend on him because at this point in time I barely know him and it’s not even worth it.

I guess this is a note to future me or anyone else who has a crush on another person – you have a life aside from the person you like. Establish that first before getting yourself into whatever it is you have with them. You need to have other sources of happiness so that when that person leaves you – and 99% of the time, they will, because what are the chances you’re going to spend the rest of your life with that person – you have something to fall back on. The person you like should never be the person to ‘be your other half ‘ or ‘complete you’, you should already be complete without them and they should just be the cherry on top. Sooo personally for me that’s bettering my fitness/health, being more organised, revising, spending time with family, focusing on passing this damn driving test and spending time with friends that matter (i.e. facetiming Val or ANDREW AND RYAN SOON!!!!!!!!). I refuse to be the type of person that’s constantly glued to my phone and eagerly waiting for a reply. I’m trying my best to detach myself a little and not let it affect me that much.

Also like the whole waiting for a while before replying thing to not sound clingy I mean. I will reply as and when I like, and I will send as many texts as I like – obviously keeping in mind to be a good listener as well. I don’t care if you think I’m clingy, that’s not my problem, it’s yours, because I’m not gonna fucking apologise for caring and making it obvious that I’m interested in you. Life is too fucking short to play games and to ‘keep the other person interest’. I’m going to be myself and you can fuck right off if you think it’s clingy. (Wait this has nothing to do with the guy, he’s a cool bean, I’m just saying hypothetically)

Victoria

 

 

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