I wanted to track how fast time passed during this period so I’m gonna do this! Val is back in Hong Kong and her first year of uni is over and it made me think that time is passing too fast and I just figured I’d love to read back on something that can reflect on how I’m feeling at this point in time.
Exam countdown! I’m a lot less stressed than I ever was for IB (of course). I am so passionate and in love with my subject that I don’t mind waking up and spending most of my day studying and revising and rereading the prescribed books/texts. Of course it doesn’t really work out because my brain gets fried after 6 hours and I genuinely physically cannot work anymore. Yesterday this happened and I just ended up going to the riverside with Rach and Celeste and looked at the sunset and ranted about things and life.
I haven’t been in the best state recently. TL;DR – I got my heart severely trampled on again (the third time in less than a year) and I haven’t felt this much heartache and pain since last year June (feel free to go back on that post). Maybe I’ll talk more about love and infatuation and guarding your heart and things but that’s going to take another post. I wasn’t in the best state when I found out that the guy whom I thought I had a p good flirty thing going on with (whom I was under the impression liked me back, because he told me) had another girl in mind anyways. He assured me this girl was just a really close friend and that she had a boyfriend. But lo and behold one day I see them walking by the river holding hands. Yep. Not the best feeling – actually, the worst feeling in the world. You don’t lead someone on and then be fine with keeping them around ‘as a friend’, still teasing and flirting with her, without telling her that there’s already another person on your mind. No one deserves to feel like that, and no decent human being should ever do that to another human. It’s just plain wrong. I have horrible luck with guys, honestly. How have I experienced this twice already? In one fucking year?
So obviously after seeing all that I’d basically literally collapsed on the ground (dramatic af) and started crying. I cried so much I’m so thankful Rach was there with me. It felt so horrible and I felt like my entire body was crumbling. There was so much unbelievable pain I’d do anything in my power to never have the people I love experience this. I thought I wouldn’t get through it but the same day that it happened I decided ‘fuck it, it’s way too close to exams for me to wallow up within myself and cry alone’. So I proactively went to everyone who was willing to listen to talk, and talk and talk and talk, and vent, and rant and cry. I told so many people and talked to so many people that day, I swear a big part of how I’m basically fine now is because of the sheer amount of support I have from people who care so much about me. And also talking is such a good way of letting it out. I surrounded myself with people every moment of every day and distracted myself with revision. I’ve never been so on task with revision and I’ve grown so much closer to so many people. It really makes you realise that there are more important things in life. A guy should never be significant or worth enough to occupy your entire day or your thoughts for so long. I’m not going to let him do that so I didn’t. Granted, seeing him and that girl sometimes at dinner had me basically hurting so much I had to run out of the dining hall and cry a lot for a bit. But I needed to do that. I needed to give myself time to heal and I’m glad I have.
I’m not going to hate him. He’s a shitty guy with immense personal problems but I’m not going to hate him. I’m going to put everything in the past after exams and I’m not going to hold a grudge anymore. I don’t think it’s worth it at all.
Regarding exams tho (skip this bit if you don’t care). I’m okay? I guess. I mean I’m not the most prepared (not at ALL) but I feel like I could spit out enough to get a 2:1 overall which I would be more than happy with. It’s 4 days before my first paper which is my poetry exam. I haven’t done jackshit for the poetry exam because it’s open book and we can bring our poems in (gonna just go through all of them in one day, won’t take long. Just context, notable critics, and bits of analysis). The drama exam I’m pretty much ok with. It’s open book so I can bring all the texts in, probably need a bit of revision but I’ve revised for 4 texts (Death of a Salesman, The Rover, Hamlet, Angels in America: Millenium Approaches), which is the minimum (will do another one if I have extra time). The novel exam is quite fucked up – I’ve revised 2/4 but the worst part is that it’s closed book i.e. I have to learn the quotes to Heart of Darkness, Jane Eyre, Wide Sargasso Sea and V for Vendetta. Geez. Myth and Epic is probably the easiest one. Revised Song of Roland, Atlakvida and Sonatorrek (3 texts is the minimum but I’ll probs revise Beowulf as well).
By far the worst exam is the last one (next wednesday). It’s Classical and Biblical Backgrounds to English literature. Three sections: Section A you can choose between an unseen passage in the Bible, a poem/passage with biblical/classical allusions, or a names question where you have to regurgitate information on 10 Classical characters out of the 20 given, out of the 226 prescribed. Yep. The unseen passages one are quite unpredictable because 1) you can’t revise the entire Bible, it’s just not possible; 2) the passage is quite impossible because who has the god damn time to revise both the Bible and the Classical characters/texts so hence I’m doing that 100 characters thing. Yes. Time to die. Section B and Section C are on books of the Bible and classical texts (Iliad, Odyssey, Aeneid, Metamorphoses, Oedipus plays etc.
But honestly even though exams only end on the 24 of may for me I’m going to celebrate on the 20 because my big ones would be over and I can finally breathe a lil.
So mental state: not too stressed, just a bit, and working at a good pace. Now going to watch V for Vendetta and take notes. My favourite places to work are in my bedroom and at the college bar (it’s so unused that no one even goes there). WISH EVERYONE LUCK ON UPCOMING EXAMS (and i’m so jealous if you’re done already).